Impossible

I want to cry and scream right now.

I want to cry because I miss home so much and I just want to close my eyes and be there, cool breezes and unimaginable freedoms. I want to cry because I am leaving Blue Creek in 18 days, leaving this life that I have worked so hard to build. I want to cry at the thought of the end of this impossible dream. I want to cry because it is all a little too much right now.

I want to scream because I am frustrated, depressed, and overwhelmed all at the same time. I want to scream because there is so much more that I could have done and I didn’t, so many boxes left unchecked and plans yet to be realized. And I want to scream because one more day of this mud, heat, and bugs may be my undoing.

I want to know how to deal with it all, to stay focused on the work yet to be done, to pack up my entire life, and to rise above the bitterness that makes me want to shut myself away from all of the needs that I couldn’t address and the people whom I imagine will not understand why I am leaving. I want to know how to end this two years with a feeling of accomplishment rather than abandonment.

I want to cry and scream because life is a big contradiction and it is impossible to make sense of it all.